Walking through the tail end of suffering through a nasty bout of pink eye, my eyes were finally capable of opening fully as the last bits of gritty sand like feeling finally left me.

For a good week my swollen eyes had been working hard to open with much effort, they felt like they were opened as far as I could stretch them yet I was startled to see them only half open and swollen when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror in passing. There seemed to be a disconnect between what my mind was telling me and what I was seeing in the mirror (life).

Thinking back to this very uncomfortable experience, I can’t help but think that there is a big correlation between what we tend to think in our head to what we see with our eyes at times. Our hurts from the past and life experiences..the lies we believe that we’ve told ourselves or that others have told us is what we believe about ourselves as a result…

We are less than…

We don’t have any or very little value…

It must be our fault…

I’m responsible for others and thier unhealthy choices…

I can’t have a boundary.. that is not loving others…

And the list goes on.

Anyone thinking these things in their head may know that on some level they are not true yet something always has a hold on them because of what they may see in their situation in their life. Finding the truth about first of all knowing who you are and what your God thinks about you is the foundation to finding the truth and answers to any one of these statements.

When these statements are passed through the filter of God’s love for us and who we are in Him, then they go something like this…

We are worthy and more than enough.

We are valuable as precious jewels.

I am responsible for myself and not for someone else’s unhealthy ways of living or even requests.

I am the most loving when I have healthy boundaries… God says so.

These statements have some of the same words and phrases in them yet the filter of God’s truth changes their meaning completely.

Today… shut the door on complacency (not wanting to or not being able to make a decision) that leads to life robbing you of your best life now.

Today…make a choice…take that step to a new way of living… breathe… Soar…our God wants to give us flying lessons but we need to choose to leave the ground and refuse to live our lives…

with eyes wide shut.

As she popped the tasty morsel of decadent chocolate dessert in her mouth, my daughter’s eyes instantly got that look I had come to recognize all too quickly. She jumped up from the dining room table and said with a tone of angst..

“I got to get to the ER!”

I knew instantly that the situation was dire…we’d been here before.

Rushing out the door with her dad right behind her, decision already made, her eight month old nursing baby stayed happily in her aunties arms.

I rushed out behind them and jumped into the back seat right behind my daughter who had already settled in the front seat..eyes intently gazing forward swallowing slowly in a very calm way as to keep her throat from swelling too quickly as anaphylaxis started settling in.

My daughter had been diagnosed allergic to cashew nuts at the age of 3 after a scary episode that sent her reacting to the ER throwing up toxic black phlegm. The doctor had warned us of pending episodes leaving us with very little time…2 minutes to get to the ER or EpiPen. It had been 25 years of a number of anxious ladin episodes and this one was gripping all our hearts again.

As we rode down the highway to another town with an ER, time was ticking… it never got easier.

I sat forward, my hands resting on her shoulders praying with an intensity that was gripping my heart. As my eyes caught my daughter’s eyes in the side view mirror I saw bewilderment, that look of concentration that would keep her thoughts from racing and her throat from swelling too quickly. I quickly looked away knowing I couldn’t pray with conviction if I had fear in my heart.

What was supposed to have taken 20 minutes took 7 Minutes door to door, the ambulance just leaving the hospital as we arrived. I rushed in with her and treatment began immediately. A huge sense of relief flooded over me as I handed my baby over to the medical team. 28 years old or not…she was still my baby girl in my heart.

As I started to breathe and time had ticked slowly by, my mind got to thinking about what had just happened over the past several hours. I asked myself why had I felt so helpless in my prayers for my girl even though I had just finished listening to a message that had me feeling so confident in my prayers.. till this happened.

A few nights later I had a dream so real wake me but before I woke, the message in the dream had become very clear to me.

I was standing on the shores of the ocean as the tide came in, a wall of black enormous rock towering stories high and spanning the shoreline on either side of me as far as my eyes could see took up the whole picture.. In the dream I kept praying and speaking to the mass of rock coming at me. The closer it got the more anxious my heart was getting as the wall of black rocks threatened to bury me.

I shouted one last time.. “Stop!”

The wall stopped just short of my feet.

As I stood there exhausted in my mind and heart staring up at the stories high wall, I heard God say in my heart…

“Walk around the wall of rocks and tell me what you see.”

I walked a long ways along the shore till I got to the end of the wall of black rocks stacked stories high. I slowly walked around the last rock and was shocked to see the wall of the black rocks was paper thin…

I realized then what my dream was telling me. My fears of what I was seeing in my daughter situation was holding me back from being more bold and confident in my prayers. If I knew her situation was really only “paper-thin”, I would have prayed with much more confidence. I realized my fears had gotten in the way of praying with confidence.

My daughter was able to go home 8 hours later that night. My daughter had long used up her 2 minutes to get to the doctor as was always warned. God had protected her despite my less than confident prayer.

I realized that day that my confidence in my prayer should not rely on my strength and efforts but on the power of my God and his faith because I am speaking and praying what He has already answered and accomplished. Our “wall of enormous rock” is always only paper thin to Him.

It’s my job to speak to the situation and it is His to answer. It takes all the pressure off me. So no matter how tall and wide the enormous wall of rocks are in my life, I need not fear that I need to speak harder, louder, Etc. It’s God’s power.. be it a cold… or facing death.

That day my God heard me whether I said it all right or not. He just needs me to open my mouth to speak to my mountain and remembering He’s already done the healing takes the burden off of me. My begging pleading is not necessary. His heart is always for his children and our hearts need to fear not.

His command for us is to fear not. He would not command it if it were not possible through His strength.

That day when my wall of enormous rock seemed to high…He said…

“Fear not!”

Thanking Him that His heart is always for His children, and just as I don’t want my children to fear in life, He wants that so much more for me.♥️

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear I will help you.”

–Isaiah 41:13-

Placing the thin long-handled metal ladle under the thin spout in the farm milk house, I could hardly wait for the icy cold well water to fill the wide mouth ladle to the top.

Tiny beads of sweat sat on my eight-year-old forehead from the sultering midsummer heat. I could hardly wait for the ladel of iciness to touch my lips…the metal taste of the ladle just complimented the dance in my mouth.

Hours before, my young self had followed my uncle to the other side of the farmyard, two large metal shiny pails of ice cold water splashing slightly over the rims with each step in each hand for the bellowing calves living in the old cow barn. They too needed to quench that incredible thirst in the July heat.

Happy but tired from all the farm life activities, I was now spilling icy drops of the water as I shut off the tap with one small sweaty hand and held the ladle clumsily in the other not being able to reach far enough being only eight.

Finally my lips tasted the metal water combo… nothing could have been more satisfying in that moment.. every gulp better than the first one tilting the ladle as far back to finish every last drop. I was now more than satisfied as I close my eyes… nothing else seem to matter in that given moment.

I think back to those lazy summer hot days of July every now and then and this last time I did it reminded me of my spiritual life journey somewhat.

In life I’d walk through times that would ultimately leave me exhausted and tired and thirsty for some relief. As I would search through the Word for answers to my many questions in my life, I would come across a verse/ passage soaked with revelation to my heart, and the lasting effects of Living Water in the growing knowledge of his unending amazing love for me.

My 8 year old memory of that icy cold water spilling from the long-handled metal ladle was so incredibly satisfying in that moment yet I needed to go back to that spot in the milk house periodically as my thirst needed to be quenched time and time again.

The cool refreshing Living Water from his Word and Promises to me satisfied my heart and soul and Promised to never leave me/ you thirsty again.

The ladle of water needed me to pick it up and take it and so does the Living Water offered to me.

I will stay forever thirsty if I don’t reach out and receive it.

Receive that Living Water today.. and never be thirsty again♥️

“But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst, but the water that I will give you will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

-John 4:4

The floor of the century-old hip roof barn undoubtedly bounced heavily with remnants of sweet smelling straw bouncing into the corners of the neatly swept dance floor.

My grandma loved her barn dances in her younger years. It made her happy. Her favorite sounds of that era filling the air…banjos, fiddles and acoustic guitars making it all happen.. it’s what she loved, the music.. her friends with their black and white polka dotted shimmering dresses softly grazing the girls just below the knee with every turn of their steps as they swung to their partner’s rhythm, finger waved hair put into place by a clip sparkling with jewels that mostly look real but were not but fun anyway.

The air hung with a sweet tinge from the evening warm air mixed with the aroma of the straw that had made it’s way into the loft just before the dance prep. As the evening wore on, there were undoubtedly those who chose to sit out the dance and observe and those who surely said no to the gentleman’s requests for a number of different reasons. The polkas, foxtrots and waltzes among many others dominated the wooden dance floor long into the night, the air permeated with the sounds of the 40’s.

Our lives can be somewhat of a dance with our Heavenly Father some days when he extends his hand and asks “May I?” We choose to sit out and watch as others dance before us and wonder why things are soaring in life for them as they cover the dance floor with every confident step with the one who knows every step of every dance.

There are days when the polkas of our lives needs to be danced in joy and happiness and then there are times when the tempo and closeness of the waltz is appropriate.

Our God longs to be our partner in those dances of our lives. He is the ultimate partner, yet when we choose to have partners that are less than.. (fear, unforgiveness, anger, etc.) do the dance of life with us..we leave the evening (the days of our lives) always feeling empty.

He is always the gentleman and sits on the sideline watching us dance with another yearning to be the one we would choose first.

If I’m going to enjoy the different dances in my life I will need to take his hand when he invites me to dance.. He is the ultimate gentlement if I sit out the dance He requests of me, He respects my wishes yet looks on with sadness when the evening( life) doesn’t work out as it should. he knows every step of every dance made… the dances of yours and my life.

Be with the one who loves you and knows you best and when he stretches out his hand as the music begins..

I Hope You Dance♥️

Hanging out in the backyard of my family home in the ’70s, my young self dressed in green shorts and a matching green tank top my mom had sewn(as she did in those days and for many years to come), I wandered around admiring the array of blooms planted and unwanted from the orange lilies planted at the back of our house to the white petaled daisies to the dandy lions peeking through after the Saturday mowing by my dad.

My young heart was already then looking to make someone smile, so that day a hand-picked bouquet for my mom was first on my mind. As I gathered an array of blooms, my eye caught the pretty petals of the daisies as they sat perfectly in the gathered bouquet in my little fist.

I remembered the children’s rhyme: “He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me”.. and as I did I whimsically started the process of plucking the pedals off of one flower knowing there would be many more to choose from hoping the last petal picked was always going to say” he loves me”.

Who I was thinking about I wasn’t sure but nonetheless I wanted the last petal to say “he loves me”.

Fast forward to my adult years, my heart still needed to know “he loves me” from the many different people in my life’s journey. As much as all these people showed me they love me in their own ways, nothing could take the place of my Heavenly Father’s love ..the Lord of the universe and when he gives me a daisy from his heart, every petal has a promise…

“He loves me… He loves me always…He loves me”..

The most perfect bouquet you/I will ever receive♥️🌼

-Give thanks to the Lord for he is good. His love endures forever.-

–1 Chronicles 16:34-

Lowering the immaculately painted ceramic piece ever so gently into the large firing kiln in the back corner of the unfinished laundry room, my grandma breathed a quiet sigh as it touch the bottom now securely settled ready for many hours of intense heat to bake it to perfection permanently bringing out the desired colors and texture.

As a young girl I watched as my grandma took on this hobby and dare I say passion as it clearly was. She spent countless hours over the years creating gifts and treasures for family and friends, some of those treasures having permanent places of love in my home there to cherish for generations to come.

Days later after the piece had been cooled, I watched my grandma sitting in her regular chair at her kitchen table.. paints and brush in hand so delicately and precisely trimming and covering the piece she was crafting at the moment. I never once felt anxious about the delicate piece hitting the floor and bumping against something hard on the table as I watched. I observed my grandmother holding the piece gently but firmly in her hand as her brush glided smoothly along the surface in her other hand, accompanied by a gentle scraping now and then just to remove some unwanted sharp edges.

It was a beautiful unique piece in the making and it was beautiful to watch not only because of the progress of the clay piece but watching my grandma whom I loved so much enjoy the process so much.

By the time the rough ceramic piece had been bought at her favorite ceramic shop in the city on her and grandpa’s weekly trips, it had been handpicked… each piece with its own character..kneaded.. not poked so as to eliminate tiny air bubbles and imperfections. Thin but strong string cut off the top from a lump of clay on the wheel, the perfect amount and piece shaped by the Potter’s fingers into an individual masterpiece leaving the unused lump behind.

Sometimes The potter’s fingers needed to stay steady in one spot to create the desired effect and then sometimes nimble fingers covered in mud and water would move steady in another direction.. the piece almost becoming one with the potter in the process.

This beautiful memory of my grandmother’s passion in the final stages of her masterpieces reminds me of our God. Just as I had no worries about my grandmother dropping the clay pot as she was working on it so too I trust my God’s hands to hold me firm in all of my life’s journey lovingly in his hands.

He is the master potter of our lives. He holds us lovingly in his hands.. His amazing loving hands… with His amazing love and goodness and never ending Grace. He has a plan for each of us to be his Masterpiece that will reflect in the hearts of many for generations to come just like my grandma’s treasures she created will be loved and appreciated for many generations to come.

Sometimes his finger is on our lives to hold us steady in one pattern so as to really make an impression of his love, mercy and grace. Other times He makes an impression of who we are in Him. And then at other times of our lives he “kneads” us into His image through his love letters to us in the Word…all the while loving the process of creating His masterpiece…us.

We are all His masterpiece. Each one of us unique and personally crafted. Not one the same.

All created by the love of the Potter’s touch♥️

What could I do if I was more than enough…

Had more than enough..?

Face a relationship head on…parent with an enthusiasm that would conquer my world and thiers…apply for that coveted job that I seemed so underqualified for…write that best seller…be fierce in the face of adversity…become that teacher that would change the world of so many for generations to come…paint that picture that lives on in the hearts of the world for years to come…

stand on a stage with an audience of thousands and throw my passion into every soul…endure years of medical school to make a difference in this ailing world….live everyday with a confidence and strength to face whatever the journey of life brings …face the joys, the sorrows and everything in between.

Well I have nearly too good to be true news…

I am MORE than enough to my God. You are MORE than enough for Him too.

In the gospel of John a small boy had more than enough to feed 5000 with his offering of 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread..

God provided and multiplied it to be more than enough.

I/we have more than enough on the inside of us because of Him and what’s He’s done for us.

We may not be aware of what that all means but that doesn’t mean it is not there. The clouds may hide the sun on days, but that does not mean there is no sun.

Having walked through 33 years of a marriage journey so far…more than enough.

Having had the privilege of raising 4 beautiful daughters through all thier journeys…more than enough.

Saying goodbye to my unborn baby way too soon… more than enough.

Pursuing my passion for writing with more confidence everyday… more than enough.

Making it through my teenage roller coaster years when some did not…more than enough.

Wandering through complicated paths in my heart and finding my way through when life didn’t always make sense … more than enough.

Blessed with a job the last 14 years that has been rewarding yet incredibly stretching at times…more than enough.

Saying goodbye to some family and friends who have left this world early…more than enough.

He deemed me/you worthy of it all when He gave His all ..His son..

HE was MORE than enough.

We are not left on this planet to fend for ourselves..

we are left with

More than enough ♥️

November 21, 1873 was a day Horatio G. Spafford could not have imagined would be his last with his four daughters on this earth. Aboard a French Ocean liner in the Atlantic, his daughters sank to the depths with their mother looking on helplessly.

How unimaginablely heart wrenching.

Yet he went on to write the words of the most famous hymn…

It is Well With My Soul

I have four beautiful daughters. They are part of me in such a way that they are my breath and heartbeat all wrapped into one…. I cannot imagine.

I believe it would have taken me to depths of my being…utterly unimaginable to my heart as I write this, yet I know as much as I can’t and don’t want to imagine this…

It would be well with my soul.

“Though sorrows like sea billows roll” as the song goes on to say wouldn’t even seem enough to start to describe my heart…yet he wrote…

“It Is Well with My Soul”

He wrote those words as he passed over the spot where his daughters had drowned… in the darkest moments of his life.

Their tragedy didn’t stop there.They lost another two children to pneumonia.

How?… How?

To look to the only One who can carry you and sustain you in those unspeakable moments… What a choice to make.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Janz imigrated from merciless Russia in the 1920s with four of their eight sons.

Heading to the train that was to leave in the black of night, word came that the one son who was dying in hospital wanted one last moment with them before they fled the country. Grandma and Grandpa made the agonizing decision on the spot to forgo the request not wanting to put their exodus with their younger four boys in jeopardy. Grandpa lived with this decision heavy on his heart for the rest of his life but my little great-grandma held her head high on her 5 foot frame and marched forward in life knowing she had to do what she had to do in saving the rest of her family.

The losses did not end there.

Along the journey in the dead of the frigid winter, her only daughter of 8 boys died at 9 months old.. freezing to death in grips of the cruel Siberian winter.

How?…. How?

I knew this little fiery lady till I was 7 years old. In the midst of all her humanness she not only survived through these heartaches but lived.

How?

Holding on to the Everlasting God who mourned with her while being her mighty yet gentle everlasting arms that held her through her life’s journey.

I have experience loss in my life but nothing compared to this.

I have tasted “It Is Well with My Soul” though sorrows like sea billows roll.

Horatio spafford and my grandma and grandpa had to do more than taste to live on… they had to be immersed so deep that nothing could penetrate the peace that passes understanding as Philippians 4:7 says.

He has the Everlasting arms for all who choose him no matter how “the sea billows roll”.

I know that I know that I know.. the same everlasting arms of peace that passes understanding that held Horatio Spafford on the day his four daughters drowned and held my grandma and grandpa so many years ago as they said goodbye to their four sons in the most difficult situations, is the same God that will do the same for me and for you no matter what sea billows will roll.

Wherever our life’s journey may take us, if we choose more than to merely taste His peace that passes understanding…

it is then we will be able to say..

It is Well With My Soul

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Mmmm… Pie… who doesn’t like pie…? Blueberry pie with a generous dollop of ice cream and golden brown edges would be my favorite.

Depending on the day a “single” serving would be the whole pie if only in my mind.. settling for less would just be silly:)

Just the mention of pie brightens my day and brings me back to a picture God gave me about 10 years ago regarding the state of my heart in letting go of a situation so big in my life at the time.

Me and my husband were experiencing hard issues in our marriage at the time and lived apart for a while. I was on a search of where my heart and head were at and stumbled on an article about codependency.

Until that time in my life I had not realized what this codependency was or that I was even walking in it. But now seeing it in bold print on paper it hit me with a jolt. I was now on a mission to release myself of that title and everything that surrounded it in my life. My intentions were good and very sincere but years of walking in this were not to be changed in a day.

I was on a mission and as the time went by I was convinced I had all but released myself of this title. My heart was sincere and I know God saw that but as sincere as I may have been he wanted more for me in my healing Journey.

One night as I was curling up on the living room sofa sleep escaping my whole being for what seemed like too many nights already, I heard a quiet but clear voice in my heart saying:

“Arlene… you say you’ve let go of your husband and the process in all of that and you’ve walked this past while as if you have but I need you to take the next step and completely let go.”

I felt as if my heart split in two…

Completely let go??… NO!!

I felt I had already let go of so much already, how could God not see that? God kept pressing in and the next thing I heard made my heart cringe with fear and anxiety… and smile just a bit all at the same time.

The small but clear voice continued..

“Arlene, you can keep your “pinky in the pie” with anxiety, fear and control and touch one small piece… just a taste… But if you take your pinky off that small piece…I’ll give you the whole pie…your choice.”

He wanted me to REST in Him…let go.. sit in his presence… and let him heal me.

My face was on the couch in anguish as I tried convincing Him for a good part of that night that His (the God of the universe) idea was not my idea of a great idea…at all.

I felt like wrestling Jacob in the Bible. Wrestling with my heart and his request.

As the sun started peeking between the houses down our street early that morning, I knew my heart and my mind wanted the whole pie (a healed marriage) and so many more parts of my life, and saying yes was on my lips but it took a little longer to travel to my heart.

That night I embarked on a journey of letting go and what that would all mean, not just in my marriage but in every other area of my life, choosing to rest in Him.

Trusting in his ways became a definite desire but needing my pinky to rest on that small piece still burned in my heart from time to time losing sight of the whole wonderful delicious pie He was so willing to give me if I would only make a choice.

Fast forward to this time in my life over 10 years later, I’ve been on a journey that’s been nothing short of amazing.

My husband and I will be celebrating 33 years of marriage in just a few days and I dare say It’s the best time of our lives. A wonderful work in progress.

We have walked through many a storm along the way… my husband walking his road to healing and me walking mine… and us meeting in the middle.

God has done amazing things in both our hearts and the whole pie (as promised) has definitely been worth the removal of the”pinky”.

It tastes so incredibly good… better than any blueberry pie I’ve ever tasted.

God wants you to rest in Him completely… remove the pinky… let go… trust…

and taste the whole delicious pie♥️