As she popped the tasty morsel of decadent chocolate dessert in her mouth, my daughter’s eyes instantly got that look I had come to recognize all too quickly. She jumped up from the dining room table and said with a tone of angst..
“I got to get to the ER!”
I knew instantly that the situation was dire…we’d been here before.
Rushing out the door with her dad right behind her, decision already made, her eight month old nursing baby stayed happily in her aunties arms.
I rushed out behind them and jumped into the back seat right behind my daughter who had already settled in the front seat..eyes intently gazing forward swallowing slowly in a very calm way as to keep her throat from swelling too quickly as anaphylaxis started settling in.
My daughter had been diagnosed allergic to cashew nuts at the age of 3 after a scary episode that sent her reacting to the ER throwing up toxic black phlegm. The doctor had warned us of pending episodes leaving us with very little time…2 minutes to get to the ER or EpiPen. It had been 25 years of a number of anxious ladin episodes and this one was gripping all our hearts again.
As we rode down the highway to another town with an ER, time was ticking… it never got easier.
I sat forward, my hands resting on her shoulders praying with an intensity that was gripping my heart. As my eyes caught my daughter’s eyes in the side view mirror I saw bewilderment, that look of concentration that would keep her thoughts from racing and her throat from swelling too quickly. I quickly looked away knowing I couldn’t pray with conviction if I had fear in my heart.
What was supposed to have taken 20 minutes took 7 Minutes door to door, the ambulance just leaving the hospital as we arrived. I rushed in with her and treatment began immediately. A huge sense of relief flooded over me as I handed my baby over to the medical team. 28 years old or not…she was still my baby girl in my heart.
As I started to breathe and time had ticked slowly by, my mind got to thinking about what had just happened over the past several hours. I asked myself why had I felt so helpless in my prayers for my girl even though I had just finished listening to a message that had me feeling so confident in my prayers.. till this happened.
A few nights later I had a dream so real wake me but before I woke, the message in the dream had become very clear to me.
I was standing on the shores of the ocean as the tide came in, a wall of black enormous rock towering stories high and spanning the shoreline on either side of me as far as my eyes could see took up the whole picture.. In the dream I kept praying and speaking to the mass of rock coming at me. The closer it got the more anxious my heart was getting as the wall of black rocks threatened to bury me.
I shouted one last time.. “Stop!”
The wall stopped just short of my feet.
As I stood there exhausted in my mind and heart staring up at the stories high wall, I heard God say in my heart…
“Walk around the wall of rocks and tell me what you see.”
I walked a long ways along the shore till I got to the end of the wall of black rocks stacked stories high. I slowly walked around the last rock and was shocked to see the wall of the black rocks was paper thin…
I realized then what my dream was telling me. My fears of what I was seeing in my daughter situation was holding me back from being more bold and confident in my prayers. If I knew her situation was really only “paper-thin”, I would have prayed with much more confidence. I realized my fears had gotten in the way of praying with confidence.
My daughter was able to go home 8 hours later that night. My daughter had long used up her 2 minutes to get to the doctor as was always warned. God had protected her despite my less than confident prayer.
I realized that day that my confidence in my prayer should not rely on my strength and efforts but on the power of my God and his faith because I am speaking and praying what He has already answered and accomplished. Our “wall of enormous rock” is always only paper thin to Him.
It’s my job to speak to the situation and it is His to answer. It takes all the pressure off me. So no matter how tall and wide the enormous wall of rocks are in my life, I need not fear that I need to speak harder, louder, Etc. It’s God’s power.. be it a cold… or facing death.
That day my God heard me whether I said it all right or not. He just needs me to open my mouth to speak to my mountain and remembering He’s already done the healing takes the burden off of me. My begging pleading is not necessary. His heart is always for his children and our hearts need to fear not.
His command for us is to fear not. He would not command it if it were not possible through His strength.
That day when my wall of enormous rock seemed to high…He said…
Thanking Him that His heart is always for His children, and just as I don’t want my children to fear in life, He wants that so much more for me.♥️
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear I will help you.”