Was it ever going to stop?!!
My mind was racing in so many different directions much like the raging wind storm outside my vulnerable home living on a foundation of wheels nestled on the edge of my sleepy little town.
This hot and muggy summer morning was anything but sleepy as the raging twirling winds and the pounding rain battered the outside walls and shook the windows mercilessly. A dark blue and green sky blanketed my world.
As I grabbed my 6 year old girl with one hand and dragged her down the hall in panick, my other arm clenched my 9 month old daughter in the tightest football hold against my chest…trying to protect my little family as best I could in this moment from the unknown in my shaking home.
In those fleeting moments my mind flashed back to all my fears of storms as a little girl and how incredibly helpless I felt then and how incredibly helpless I felt now. That little girl was still inside now trying to protect her own little girls…
My fear of storms had followed me into my adult life through many a fearful camping trip, feeling so helpless and immobilized in being a role model for my 4 young daughters…who would tell them to not be afraid when I was paralyzed with my own fears?
My thoughts raced back to my reality in the moment. I dove between the wall and the bed in the futherest corner of my shaking home with my baby under me and my 6 year old huddling as close to her shaking mother as could be humanly possible.
My frantic call to my grandma down the road in the same small town had had come to an abrupt end as the storm mercilessly cut off my only thread of security.
As the wind got louder, the skies got darker, and the windows seem to shake harder than ever, my promises to God in that moment to do everything right in my life from here on in in exchange for protection for me and my frightened little girls was my utmost focus.
The feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me and the thought of not being able to protect my girls seemed to drown my heart as I heard the rage of the storm outside my door.
Many years later as my continued walk with God grew with more understanding of who my God was and what He really thought of me “on the bench” in the moment
, I realized there had been no need to bargain for my little families protection that day. My God did not work that way.
No matter how I may have fallen short in life, as His child I did not need to bargain for any of His protection or even Grace on my life.
He wants to protect his own as desperately as I wanted to protect my own. That is His heart. We may not always see it in our lives here on earth but that doesn’t change His heart towards us. He loves us so incredibly much… More than I could even love my own. He gave me the authority to speak to my mountains/ storms in His name as I found in His letters to me..The Bible.
But for that moment this was my plea.
As the storm quieted along with my fears, I gathered my girls from behind the bed and stumbled down the hall on still shaking legs toward a much brighter living room than I had remembered just a short time ago.
As me and my girls clinging to me like baby kittens on their mom entered the kitchen, I realized the intense streaming daylight was due to the entrance to my home having crashed on its side, leaving a gaping hole for all the light to pour in.
My knees wanted to buckle.
Yet in the same instant I was so incredibly thankful it was all over.
Hearing the news anchor tell of hundred year old trees crashing down in the neighborhood later in the day, I was even more aware of His hand of protection on me and my little girls that stormy morning.
It would be years before my immobilizing fear of storms would become all but non existent.
I remember one day I couldn’t and didn’t want to be in bondage to this fear any longer.
It was way to heavy to continue carrying.
I knew this would be it.
It happened that quickly. I gave it all to Him. In His Word He asks us to cast all our cares/ fears, anxiety, worries on Him…so I did. Nothing fancy…I just did…and He gladly took it.
In the years to come, I’ve woken up from a deep restful sleep to reports of bad storms that had raged on around me as I slept. I had heard nothing.
Sometimes the end of ourselves is the best place to be. It can be the open door to a whole new world of peace.
When the winds in our lives blow harder and the skies seem to be getting darker and darker….He is the Peace in the storm of our lives.
Peace that passes understanding as only He can give for anyone who wishes to take it.
And that day I took it.